[ he doesn't want to die. this much is still very true. with the focus on their hands, he resists the urge to flinch when hien adds his hand atop his, biting his tongue down as he glances away. ]
Don't get cheeky.
[ by saying it aloud, he means… despite being the one to hold him back? okay. but he just releases his grip without pulling away, slumping into his chair to force himself to relax. ]
… we started a book together, so we have to finish it. But now you've lost it…
[ and isn't that the truth of it? when you lose your guiding star, how else are you supposed to find your way due north? he'd thought he'd finally been heading in the right direction, but then—
…
he remembers that his hands still haven't quite warmed up and yanks it back. proximity, but always on his terms, somehow. ]
I'll leave you alone, then.
[ not unlike another creature retreating into itself. ]
[ There's a bit of silence as Hien watches Elysium yank his hand back. Imagine if I said that Hien just leaves Elysium here all alone. He doesn't though and reaches out to try and hold Elysium's hands despite him withdrawing. He can push back the fact that he just ate someone and caused a lot of grief, but he's concerned about Elysium despite everything. The way he reached out to grab onto his wrist means that he can stay, is what he thinks. So he will. ]
[ he can leave all he wants don't you worry the narrative will find a way to haunt them regardless
but he allows himself to flinch this time, if only to express his vulnerability better than he ever could verbally. it is a delayed response to what he'd done in the high of the moment—and as much as hien is someone he has grown closer to, he isn't edamura, who wears and has given his heart so freely and was ready to face whatever would come next.
in a way, he's envious. better if he was here instead, he thinks. 'because it's hien.' he hadn't lied when he said it was the most powerful statement he'd heard in a while, as it was. oh, to be that unfettered, free, and bold.
elysium's life is so much more than just his own. ]
… Nothing.
[ then, an addendum to what had been said instinctively: ]
Shockingly, I can't just pretend nothing happened. But I couldn't just ignore you, either. Are you disappointed?
[ Should he be? Perhaps if Elysium didn't admit even that, he might have been. Still, he can be disappointed and still like him. His feelings don't waver. There's clearly something wrong that's more than what just happened with him eating Soowon, but Hien isn't sure if he should chase it. As cagey Elysium seems to be, Hien wants to give him time. ]
"Thanks, for thinking about me. I don't think it's shocking. It's who you are, after all."
[ His own hands are warm and he hopes that they can warm Elysium's. ]
"But I'm mostly fine. I talked to Soowon already and... it'll take some time with Hak, but don't worry about that. You have enough things to think about on your own, don't you?"
[ he'd rather not think about it, actually. but, sure. that works for him, eyes falling on their hands before flicking to the floor closer to his feet. it's difficult to reconcile how something so impossibly cold could be so humanly warm.
… then again, that's what he thought about something else. he shifts, while still keeping his hands in hien's. ]
Right. Sooooo. Can we go back to letting me be awkward again?
[ The hands are kept there, doing their best to warm Elysium's hands. Stop running away--though this is what Hien willingly signed up for. He can't help but sigh. ]
"I'm really torn between helping you with distractions and being really mean to you about it, but... it's been a long day. You must be tired. I'll be gracious this one time."
[ He really wanted to say no, but he'll be nice. ]
Seriously… the more you talk about me, the more tempted I am to kick your chair over.
[ what he's going through can't compare to coming back from an expedition and having one of the most public crashouts purgatory has ever seen. even if there's no comparing apples and oranges, it doesn't feel right—not that he wants it acknowledged in the first place. ]
You aren't tired at all?
[ he thinks the most tiring part of the post-cyoa life was everyone worrying about him, but that's him…… ]
[ Elysium is free to do whatever he wants, but there are always consequences for each action. This is something Hien keeps in mind all the time, but he just facetanks consequences on a regular basis, so does it matter at some point? ]
"But no, I'm not tired."
[ Hien, unfortunately, thinks the same about everyone worrying about him being the most tiring part. He's good to go, right as rain... apart from the river having taken away his sense of taste and memories of his own one-sided toxic yaoi. He should be mentally exhausted by nearly losing his sense of self and then crashing the fuck out, along with having his Mode Change on overdrive (the sound of gears jamming instead of turning normally), but no. Hien is who he is, and it isn't the first time that he nearly lost his identity. He dies on a regular basis. This is normal for Hien's standards.
It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt every time it happens, but that's not what this is about. ]
"... Maybe it's karma for having killed a few people there with the faces of the ones from here."
Hien doesn't fix his hair, leaving it like it is. ]
"I was already here when I messaged you... and you pretended I wasn't there despite sitting next to me. The nerve of you."
[ He already misses holding his hand. It feels strange empty without it. ]
"So maybe you're right to ask me why I chose it. I was reading books to get my mind off things, but I stopped when I felt your presence because you deserved my full attention."
and yet, his hand stills, fingers sliding along hien's cheek to catch his chin, his thumb tracing the lower line of his lip with absent familiarity. there is something wrong about the gesture, especially in light of the past few days, but if he just pushes his thoughts aside, reduce everything else to white noise—it becomes easier to let his body be the guide. ]
Reading aloud's already pretty deviant. [ that same thumb hooks between hien's lips. ] If that's what you wanted over quiet companionship, you could've made that clearer.
[ … he supposes that is more characteristic of their relationship than anything else, at this point. ]
Full attention for full attention. [ he tilts his head. ] What now?
[ Okay, Elysium! Whatever you say! Hien thinks back on his wording, wondering if it really sounded like that, because he sure didn't mean it that way. It wasn't a request, but... ]
"Do you have to be somewhere tonight?"
[ He blurts that out and pauses. This sure sounds like an invitation, but that's not what he means. ]
"Let me help you rest... or just... I want to help you relax. Maybe get a good night's sleep. Or... something."
[ He's still concerned about Elysium's well-being—not just physically but mentally too. ]
Yeah. I have to be back early to wake up for my office job.
[ well. it has become painfully obvious now that hien hadn't meant anything about meeting a library at all. okay. he snorts out a laugh, fingers combing through his bangs in idle disbelief. airheads… ]
Imagine if that's what I left you with. But no, I was going to stick around for however long it seemed you needed company for. It would've been an asshole move to bail while you were pouring your heart out, wouldn't it?
[ stop making it about him… the more he makes it about him, the more elysium's just going to dig in his heels. ]
[ he could've been pouring his heart out silently… okay… never mind that their dynamic has never been like that.
and if hien thinks elysium will let himself get scooped up so easily, he absolutely won't, instead reaching for his hand and tugging him back up. it might've worked the first time when he'd been distracted and caught off-guard, but he's far too self-sufficient to accept it on a recurrent basis. ]
[ Hien huffs, but he can accept the compromise of holding hands while they walk. Physical affection!! Even with things as small as this, he likes it a lot.
But right. No teleporting. Just walking to Purrfect Penance. It doesn't take much to make Hien happy, which is what people seem to be concerned about... the little things make him happier than the grand. Like this handholding. ]
[ He swings their hands a little, though his mind drifts a bit. Since it's still thoughtshare, Elysium will hear the following in a muted but very familiar voice,
"In another life, what you asked for probably could've been yours." ]
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Don't get cheeky.
[ by saying it aloud, he means… despite being the one to hold him back? okay. but he just releases his grip without pulling away, slumping into his chair to force himself to relax. ]
… we started a book together, so we have to finish it. But now you've lost it…
[ why is he still on this… ]
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"What do you really want, Elysium? You're giving me mixed signals."
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[ and isn't that the truth of it? when you lose your guiding star, how else are you supposed to find your way due north? he'd thought he'd finally been heading in the right direction, but then—
…
he remembers that his hands still haven't quite warmed up and yanks it back. proximity, but always on his terms, somehow. ]
I'll leave you alone, then.
[ not unlike another creature retreating into itself. ]
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"... What's wrong?"
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but he allows himself to flinch this time, if only to express his vulnerability better than he ever could verbally. it is a delayed response to what he'd done in the high of the moment—and as much as hien is someone he has grown closer to, he isn't edamura, who wears and has given his heart so freely and was ready to face whatever would come next.
in a way, he's envious. better if he was here instead, he thinks. 'because it's hien.' he hadn't lied when he said it was the most powerful statement he'd heard in a while, as it was. oh, to be that unfettered, free, and bold.
elysium's life is so much more than just his own. ]
… Nothing.
[ then, an addendum to what had been said instinctively: ]
Shockingly, I can't just pretend nothing happened. But I couldn't just ignore you, either. Are you disappointed?
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[ Should he be? Perhaps if Elysium didn't admit even that, he might have been. Still, he can be disappointed and still like him. His feelings don't waver. There's clearly something wrong that's more than what just happened with him eating Soowon, but Hien isn't sure if he should chase it. As cagey Elysium seems to be, Hien wants to give him time. ]
"Thanks, for thinking about me. I don't think it's shocking. It's who you are, after all."
[ His own hands are warm and he hopes that they can warm Elysium's. ]
"But I'm mostly fine. I talked to Soowon already and... it'll take some time with Hak, but don't worry about that. You have enough things to think about on your own, don't you?"
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… then again, that's what he thought about something else. he shifts, while still keeping his hands in hien's. ]
Right. Sooooo. Can we go back to letting me be awkward again?
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"I'm really torn between helping you with distractions and being really mean to you about it, but... it's been a long day. You must be tired. I'll be gracious this one time."
[ He really wanted to say no, but he'll be nice. ]
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[ what he's going through can't compare to coming back from an expedition and having one of the most public crashouts purgatory has ever seen. even if there's no comparing apples and oranges, it doesn't feel right—not that he wants it acknowledged in the first place. ]
You aren't tired at all?
[ he thinks the most tiring part of the post-cyoa life was everyone worrying about him, but that's him…… ]
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[ Elysium is free to do whatever he wants, but there are always consequences for each action. This is something Hien keeps in mind all the time, but he just facetanks consequences on a regular basis, so does it matter at some point? ]
"But no, I'm not tired."
[ Hien, unfortunately, thinks the same about everyone worrying about him being the most tiring part. He's good to go, right as rain... apart from the river having taken away his sense of taste and memories of his own one-sided toxic yaoi. He should be mentally exhausted by nearly losing his sense of self and then crashing the fuck out, along with having his Mode Change on overdrive (the sound of gears jamming instead of turning normally), but no. Hien is who he is, and it isn't the first time that he nearly lost his identity. He dies on a regular basis. This is normal for Hien's standards.
It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt every time it happens, but that's not what this is about. ]
"... Maybe it's karma for having killed a few people there with the faces of the ones from here."
[ your negative modifiers............. ]
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If it makes you feel better, it's probably equalised by how you died in ours and came back possessed…
[ that is probably not how it works but okay
his fingers quietly curl around hien's. the levity helps. ]
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"Is it really better..."
[ He gives Elysium's hands a brief squeeze and huffs. ]
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[ …
he finally lets his hand slip from hien's, fingers finding their way into his hair to give it a playful muss. ]
I don't know why you chose the library when you don't seem all that fond of doing anything in it. Was part of it wanting to get into mischief…?
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Hien doesn't fix his hair, leaving it like it is. ]
"I was already here when I messaged you... and you pretended I wasn't there despite sitting next to me. The nerve of you."
[ He already misses holding his hand. It feels strange empty without it. ]
"So maybe you're right to ask me why I chose it. I was reading books to get my mind off things, but I stopped when I felt your presence because you deserved my full attention."
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[ again. the wryness his voice is unmistakable.
and yet, his hand stills, fingers sliding along hien's cheek to catch his chin, his thumb tracing the lower line of his lip with absent familiarity. there is something wrong about the gesture, especially in light of the past few days, but if he just pushes his thoughts aside, reduce everything else to white noise—it becomes easier to let his body be the guide. ]
Reading aloud's already pretty deviant. [ that same thumb hooks between hien's lips. ] If that's what you wanted over quiet companionship, you could've made that clearer.
[ … he supposes that is more characteristic of their relationship than anything else, at this point. ]
Full attention for full attention. [ he tilts his head. ] What now?
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"I'm more curious on what you're thinking... or not thinking, with how your thumb is almost in my mouth."
[ Does he want to be comforted?
Would that make him happier? ]
"I like hearing you... I like listening to your voice."
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[ frames it as an objective third party… ]
But if it wasn't a request, forget it.
[ he takes back his hand and gets ready to stand. ]
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"Do you have to be somewhere tonight?"
[ He blurts that out and pauses. This sure sounds like an invitation, but that's not what he means. ]
"Let me help you rest... or just... I want to help you relax. Maybe get a good night's sleep. Or... something."
[ He's still concerned about Elysium's well-being—not just physically but mentally too. ]
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[ well. it has become painfully obvious now that hien hadn't meant anything about meeting a library at all. okay. he snorts out a laugh, fingers combing through his bangs in idle disbelief. airheads… ]
Imagine if that's what I left you with. But no, I was going to stick around for however long it seemed you needed company for. It would've been an asshole move to bail while you were pouring your heart out, wouldn't it?
[ stop making it about him… the more he makes it about him, the more elysium's just going to dig in his heels. ]
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"Then let me sleep with you—in a literal sense. I want your company."
[ Hien gets up and leans in to try and scoop Elysium bridal style. ]
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and if hien thinks elysium will let himself get scooped up so easily, he absolutely won't, instead reaching for his hand and tugging him back up. it might've worked the first time when he'd been distracted and caught off-guard, but he's far too self-sufficient to accept it on a recurrent basis. ]
… It's not like you haven't had it. —Let's walk.
[ while holding hands… ]
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But right. No teleporting. Just walking to Purrfect Penance. It doesn't take much to make Hien happy, which is what people seem to be concerned about... the little things make him happier than the grand. Like this handholding. ]
"You don't like being carried, huh..."
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Do you want to be carried?
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[ He swings their hands a little, though his mind drifts a bit. Since it's still thoughtshare, Elysium will hear the following in a muted but very familiar voice,
"In another life, what you asked for probably could've been yours." ]
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normally, elysium has his policy of respecting people's thoughts. but this is where he gives in, hand tightening around hien's. ]
… Don't take the things I said to try and snap you out of it too seriously.
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