[ he doesn't turn, but his voice is kept light. he did the right thing, then, because if it wasn't him it'd be thorns. nevermind that this was a rather drastic solution to come to within the short amount of time they'd been apart, all he thought about was the guilt thorns would feel (was this the only option…?) and his body had moved instinctively.
there's a croak of 'why…?' and this time
elysium slices his throat clean. ]
I don't know if here's the place to be having this conversation. Now that we've solved our mystery, why don't you head back first and tell the others? I'll have to clean up.
[ it's in this moment that thorns realizes this timeline is not going to work out.
he had been fully aware that their priorities have been skewed, but it's been fine as long as the two of them can be together. but looking at this makes thorns realize that kind of thinking from him isn't going to do anything.
if elysium is this obsessed with him, then he is going to die. there is absolutely no way that this kind of behavior, elysium just killing off one of their allies as casually as he might say hi, is not going to end with him dead. and thorns cannot let that happen. ]
[ a guy kills one npc and suddenly the timeline is deemed unsalvageable
the body slumps back, hitting the floor with a solid thud. it suddenly occurs to elysium how strange this must look to thorns. the thought drives the air from his lungs and leaves him struggling to breathe. he doesn't want to look at him, doesn't want to see the judgement there, but forces himself to anyway, shoulders stiff as he casts a glance over his shoulder. ]
… Are you upset with me?
[ sharper than anything else that's surfaced so far is fear. to his credit, his voice is kept level. ]
[ he's very upset with him, but it admittedly isn't because he just killed an operator and more because he wandered off and something terrible happened. if anything, this simply reinforced the idea that thorns cannot let elysium do anything.
but thorns is aware that answer is kind of crazy. so. ]
No. Come on, we need to clean this and then go somewhere safe.
[ a pause, and then he adds. ]
Remember, I'm in charge of the mission. You're the one who did it, but they're going to be going harder on me.
[ potentially not being able to control his squad, separating from the rookies in the first place the night before... so, thorns does not want to leave. ]
it dawns on him that he doesn't know how to act here, realising with sudden clarity how much he's leaned on his one ability as a crutch. the problems he'd faced until now were clean, clinical, cut-and-dry. there's no negotiating with death, only rewinding and retracing and trying another path. having to deal with something more ambiguous that will potentially put a strain on his relationship with thorns is another thing entirely. if he isn't upset, does he think something's wrong with him? objectively, this isn't him, is it?
so what does he do? play it casual again? show remorse? instinct takes over, and he steps back, foot hitting the corpse behind him. his heart thrums like a trapped animal, breath too shallow to fill his lungs. restart. why is he even thinking about this when he could just restart? go off on his own so thorns wouldn't have had to come across this? no, that's wrong. he should go further back so that this would've never happened in the first place—a death so close to him isn't something thorns can just write off.
… but then, he realises again, how he doesn't want to be the only one carrying memories of their time together. even if it's nothing more than a single night sky, fleeting exchanges they could share any time, he wants them remembered. his breathing steadies, slowing as his eyes fall shut for a brief second. the zero to one hundred when there really wasn't any need to escalate it that far! whoops. ]
That's bullshit and you know it. That excuse only works when you're a trainee. Even then, what responsibility is there to take? The mission was flagged low-risk. They would've thrown another rookie squad at it if you didn't step up.
[ … ]
I'm taking his body to a lab. He was exhibiting similar behaviours as the Terrans used against us in Zeruertza.
[ he could continue to argue, but decides to drop it. or at least, drop it here, since this really is not the place for it; they have no idea who might be listening in right now. ]
... mm. You need to give me a full report once we're inside.
[ he won't bother to ask if elysium could have not killed him and instead subdued. thorns has been on the field long enough to know that sometimes you just have to make split second decisions, and then you have to live with that choice afterward. it's not like he was around, so thorns can't actually decide if it was necessary or not. ]
Be mindful of him.
[ he thinks about how this might actually break apart the friend group, depending on how others take the news and who they blame. they were already annoyed with the defender when they didn't think it was as serious as it could be. ]
[ he finds himself on autopilot cleaning off his sword and unfolding the jacket from his bag. carefully, he drapes it over the body before hoisting it onto his back. warmth seeps through, bleeding into his clothes and onto the floor. the literal weight of what he's done presses down on him, and yet all he can think about is the person standing in front.
it's wrong for him to fixate to this degree. he knows it. anyone else could've been standing on the opposing end, no matter how close, no matter how distant, and he would've done the same. he can admit that to himself, but if he lets his mind wander further down that path, he'll come apart at his seams.
once he feels the body is secured, he clicks his tongue, gaze skirting deliberately away from thorns. ]
[ he thinks, briefly, if he should be the person breaking the news to the others, but somehow he's the better choice between him and elysium right now. things that people would have never guessed just a year ago.
people do their best to avoid looking at them, but once they start approaching areas that the more common person may wander down, some start to more openly gawk. ]
[ the mention of an injury has him going quiet. he pauses, glancing down at himself. he'd been so fixated on the air being ripped out of him that it takes staring directly at the wound, focusing on it, to even register that the distant stinging he'd felt belonged to him at all.
after cycling through as many timelines as he has and experiencing the majority of them in the late stages of oripathy, minor wounds really aren't anything. he'd forgotten. so many things he'd done to hide the peculiarities he'd built up discarded the moment he'd grew too comfortable. stupid. ]
… Oh. [ he wants to say it looks worse than it is, but now isn't the time. ] We can get everything else done first.
[ not a no, not a dismissal. an improvement over the usual response. yes!!! ]
Thinking about it… if we wanted to make the best use of a medic's time, shouldn't I be the one to break it to the others? If they feel like they need to beat someone up, it'll only be one person they'll have to patch up as opposed to two.
[ for being so chatty seconds prior, the reminder that thorns isn't going to let anything go shuts him up real quick—whereas the last thing he'll do is let thorns take the fall for his own actions.
and so he just looks ahead while thinking about what he'll say and the moves he'll make to prevent it.
they eventually end up at a rhodes-affiliated lab. it's a good thing elysium typically wears black, as by the end of it, his entire backside is both drenched and encrusted in blood. the staff there very nervously hand him a change of clothes. he takes a plain white shirt, if only to make their walk back less awkward.
but, they are given an empty room to discuss what they need to before that. elysium just laces his hands on his lap and stares at the table. ]
thorns does not sit. he walks to where elysium is and starts to expect where it looked like the injury was so that he can get a better idea of how bad it is. ]
Tell me what happened, starting with why did you leave?
[ at some point when he'd changed into the clean shirt, he'd ripped apart his old one to serve as a makeshift bandage. so, it'll be hard for thorns to tell the extent of it without touch (especially considering the fabric is black), but the fact that the gash peaks through does speak to the length of it.
if he does decides to poke at the cloth, it's already damp. ]
I ended up with the guy we were looking for. What you saw speaks for itself…
[ … ]
I didn't want to say anything earlier, but it almost feels like you're treating me like one of the rookies? What do you mean, why?
You could have alerted me. And that's not an actual explanation of what happened.
[ elysium is skipping basically the entire explanation, he thinks.
is part of this due to thorns' immense paranoia that gets worse and worse with every instance of danger? yes. but neither of them have openly talked about what's really happening. ]
You were busy with your interrogation. If it was going well, I could've tipped the entire thing off.
[ he hadn't even strayed that far, bht he moves on as to not start another pedantic argument. ]
… I saw someone walk by with his jacket on. The next thing I knew, I was being attacked by the very person. I'm pretty sure it was a warning for dispatching two of theirs the other night and for us to not pursue the matter further.
If anyone wants to point any fingers, it all goes back to me. I take full accountability. Ask HQ for the files on the mission to Zeruertza and their research if you're that curious about my rationale. It's not my place to say more than that.
[ he unfolds his hands, lays his palms flat on his lap. they feel clammy.
guess who else is insane and has intense ptsd from that same mission? if thorns does try to contact them—he'll find himself blocked from access and for him to stand down as an elite squad is being sent their way. fun! ]
[ it's frustrating when he knows more about this organization already simply because of how many times they've run into them, but none of them were in this timeline.
he takes a step back from him. ]
You need to get properly treated. If we're attacked again, right now you're at a disadvantage.
[ says this more like an observation than an accusation. he's also looking at anything, as if he's not particularly there. oddly enough, it doesn't carry the same sharp panic as it had back in the alley.
[ ending the conversation here has the same uncertainty that a lot of their previous arguments had. thorns once again thinks of all the time they had some sort of argument and then something bad happened right after. ]
[ when had it gone from i don't want you to give up your dreams to this? ]
Should this just be our last mission? We don't have to see this through. Once backup arrives, our roles are done.
[ which is such a wild thing to reconcile with considering the people they are, but his hand grips thorns' back, their duty to the compass included implicitly. what spaces can't love fill? nothing. it spreads and mutates when you leave it unchecked, and at this point
even if he doesn't recognise himself anymore, he at least has that: his love for thorns. ]
[ yes, there are people who don't go on field missions at rhodes. but they both know that no one would understand any decision they might make to switch to that, and that they'd still get constantly asked to go on them anyway. people still can't wrap their heads around elysium quitting his squad. half of them likely expect him to come back.
in any case, it would probably be better for them to do a clean break (it would not actually be better, it would likely lead to even worse habits). ]
[ calling it a vacation or a honeymoon leaves the benefit of doubt that they'd return. even if they were to officially make a decision to leave, rhodes would be kind enough to take them back. but are they the type to go back on their decisions?
his grip on thorns tightens. he doesn't realise he's begun to tremble. ]
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no subject
[ he doesn't turn, but his voice is kept light. he did the right thing, then, because if it wasn't him it'd be thorns. nevermind that this was a rather drastic solution to come to within the short amount of time they'd been apart, all he thought about was the guilt thorns would feel (was this the only option…?) and his body had moved instinctively.
there's a croak of 'why…?' and this time
elysium slices his throat clean. ]
I don't know if here's the place to be having this conversation. Now that we've solved our mystery, why don't you head back first and tell the others? I'll have to clean up.
no subject
he had been fully aware that their priorities have been skewed, but it's been fine as long as the two of them can be together. but looking at this makes thorns realize that kind of thinking from him isn't going to do anything.
if elysium is this obsessed with him, then he is going to die. there is absolutely no way that this kind of behavior, elysium just killing off one of their allies as casually as he might say hi, is not going to end with him dead. and thorns cannot let that happen. ]
I am not letting you out of my sight.
no subject
the body slumps back, hitting the floor with a solid thud. it suddenly occurs to elysium how strange this must look to thorns. the thought drives the air from his lungs and leaves him struggling to breathe. he doesn't want to look at him, doesn't want to see the judgement there, but forces himself to anyway, shoulders stiff as he casts a glance over his shoulder. ]
… Are you upset with me?
[ sharper than anything else that's surfaced so far is fear. to his credit, his voice is kept level. ]
no subject
but thorns is aware that answer is kind of crazy. so. ]
No. Come on, we need to clean this and then go somewhere safe.
[ a pause, and then he adds. ]
Remember, I'm in charge of the mission. You're the one who did it, but they're going to be going harder on me.
[ potentially not being able to control his squad, separating from the rookies in the first place the night before... so, thorns does not want to leave. ]
no subject
[ he what?
it dawns on him that he doesn't know how to act here, realising with sudden clarity how much he's leaned on his one ability as a crutch. the problems he'd faced until now were clean, clinical, cut-and-dry. there's no negotiating with death, only rewinding and retracing and trying another path. having to deal with something more ambiguous that will potentially put a strain on his relationship with thorns is another thing entirely. if he isn't upset, does he think something's wrong with him? objectively, this isn't him, is it?
so what does he do? play it casual again? show remorse? instinct takes over, and he steps back, foot hitting the corpse behind him. his heart thrums like a trapped animal, breath too shallow to fill his lungs. restart. why is he even thinking about this when he could just restart? go off on his own so thorns wouldn't have had to come across this? no, that's wrong. he should go further back so that this would've never happened in the first place—a death so close to him isn't something thorns can just write off.
… but then, he realises again, how he doesn't want to be the only one carrying memories of their time together. even if it's nothing more than a single night sky, fleeting exchanges they could share any time, he wants them remembered. his breathing steadies, slowing as his eyes fall shut for a brief second. the zero to one hundred when there really wasn't any need to escalate it that far! whoops. ]
That's bullshit and you know it. That excuse only works when you're a trainee. Even then, what responsibility is there to take? The mission was flagged low-risk. They would've thrown another rookie squad at it if you didn't step up.
[ … ]
I'm taking his body to a lab. He was exhibiting similar behaviours as the Terrans used against us in Zeruertza.
no subject
... mm. You need to give me a full report once we're inside.
[ he won't bother to ask if elysium could have not killed him and instead subdued. thorns has been on the field long enough to know that sometimes you just have to make split second decisions, and then you have to live with that choice afterward. it's not like he was around, so thorns can't actually decide if it was necessary or not. ]
Be mindful of him.
[ he thinks about how this might actually break apart the friend group, depending on how others take the news and who they blame. they were already annoyed with the defender when they didn't think it was as serious as it could be. ]
no subject
[ he finds himself on autopilot cleaning off his sword and unfolding the jacket from his bag. carefully, he drapes it over the body before hoisting it onto his back. warmth seeps through, bleeding into his clothes and onto the floor. the literal weight of what he's done presses down on him, and yet all he can think about is the person standing in front.
it's wrong for him to fixate to this degree. he knows it. anyone else could've been standing on the opposing end, no matter how close, no matter how distant, and he would've done the same. he can admit that to himself, but if he lets his mind wander further down that path, he'll come apart at his seams.
once he feels the body is secured, he clicks his tongue, gaze skirting deliberately away from thorns. ]
… Let's go.
no subject
[ he thinks, briefly, if he should be the person breaking the news to the others, but somehow he's the better choice between him and elysium right now. things that people would have never guessed just a year ago.
people do their best to avoid looking at them, but once they start approaching areas that the more common person may wander down, some start to more openly gawk. ]
We need to look at your injury, too.
no subject
after cycling through as many timelines as he has and experiencing the majority of them in the late stages of oripathy, minor wounds really aren't anything. he'd forgotten. so many things he'd done to hide the peculiarities he'd built up discarded the moment he'd grew too comfortable. stupid. ]
… Oh. [ he wants to say it looks worse than it is, but now isn't the time. ] We can get everything else done first.
[ not a no, not a dismissal. an improvement over the usual response. yes!!! ]
Thinking about it… if we wanted to make the best use of a medic's time, shouldn't I be the one to break it to the others? If they feel like they need to beat someone up, it'll only be one person they'll have to patch up as opposed to two.
no subject
... I'll do it. You can be there to answer questions since you were the witness, but it's still my mission.
[ thorns does not think that the difficult part of the job should just be passed onto someone else. ]
But you do need to tell me everything that happened before we let them know.
no subject
and so he just looks ahead while thinking about what he'll say and the moves he'll make to prevent it.
they eventually end up at a rhodes-affiliated lab. it's a good thing elysium typically wears black, as by the end of it, his entire backside is both drenched and encrusted in blood. the staff there very nervously hand him a change of clothes. he takes a plain white shirt, if only to make their walk back less awkward.
but, they are given an empty room to discuss what they need to before that. elysium just laces his hands on his lap and stares at the table. ]
no subject
thorns does not sit. he walks to where elysium is and starts to expect where it looked like the injury was so that he can get a better idea of how bad it is. ]
Tell me what happened, starting with why did you leave?
no subject
if he does decides to poke at the cloth, it's already damp. ]
I ended up with the guy we were looking for. What you saw speaks for itself…
[ … ]
I didn't want to say anything earlier, but it almost feels like you're treating me like one of the rookies? What do you mean, why?
no subject
[ elysium is skipping basically the entire explanation, he thinks.
is part of this due to thorns' immense paranoia that gets worse and worse with every instance of danger? yes. but neither of them have openly talked about what's really happening. ]
no subject
[ he hadn't even strayed that far, bht he moves on as to not start another pedantic argument. ]
… I saw someone walk by with his jacket on. The next thing I knew, I was being attacked by the very person. I'm pretty sure it was a warning for dispatching two of theirs the other night and for us to not pursue the matter further.
If anyone wants to point any fingers, it all goes back to me. I take full accountability. Ask HQ for the files on the mission to Zeruertza and their research if you're that curious about my rationale. It's not my place to say more than that.
[ he unfolds his hands, lays his palms flat on his lap. they feel clammy.
guess who else is insane and has intense ptsd from that same mission? if thorns does try to contact them—he'll find himself blocked from access and for him to stand down as an elite squad is being sent their way. fun! ]
no subject
[ it's frustrating when he knows more about this organization already simply because of how many times they've run into them, but none of them were in this timeline.
he takes a step back from him. ]
You need to get properly treated. If we're attacked again, right now you're at a disadvantage.
no subject
[ echoes back. ]
You really are upset with me.
[ says this more like an observation than an accusation. he's also looking at anything, as if he's not particularly there. oddly enough, it doesn't carry the same sharp panic as it had back in the alley.
he gets up. ]
Was that everything?
no subject
[ ending the conversation here has the same uncertainty that a lot of their previous arguments had. thorns once again thinks of all the time they had some sort of argument and then something bad happened right after. ]
Are you going to get looked at?
no subject
We still have to round up the others. After.
no subject
[ he doesn't sound happy about that but he knows that arguing isn't the move here without making things explode.
there's a pause, and he reaches out to grab his hand. ]
I love you.
no subject
What did you mean by complex?
[ does
he love him less? ]
no subject
thorns doesn't say anything right away, instead trying to consider the different responses he can give. ]
I don't want you to die.
[ he just settles on that, because it's the core of the problem if you peel away everything else. ]
no subject
[ when had it gone from i don't want you to give up your dreams to this? ]
Should this just be our last mission? We don't have to see this through. Once backup arrives, our roles are done.
[ which is such a wild thing to reconcile with considering the people they are, but his hand grips thorns' back, their duty to the compass included implicitly. what spaces can't love fill? nothing. it spreads and mutates when you leave it unchecked, and at this point
even if he doesn't recognise himself anymore, he at least has that: his love for thorns. ]
no subject
[ yes, there are people who don't go on field missions at rhodes. but they both know that no one would understand any decision they might make to switch to that, and that they'd still get constantly asked to go on them anyway. people still can't wrap their heads around elysium quitting his squad. half of them likely expect him to come back.
in any case, it would probably be better for them to do a clean break (it would not actually be better, it would likely lead to even worse habits). ]
no subject
[ calling it a vacation or a honeymoon leaves the benefit of doubt that they'd return. even if they were to officially make a decision to leave, rhodes would be kind enough to take them back. but are they the type to go back on their decisions?
his grip on thorns tightens. he doesn't realise he's begun to tremble. ]
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